fall, fall, fall.

Today i sat on a bench for hours.

It was about 6 pm and the air was cold, not too cold, just enough for my skin to react. I looked at people around me and they were all walking so fast, everything was going so slow for me.
The sky was blue and the trees were turning orange. And it was as if i was just discovering the world for the first time. Nothing mattered, nothing controlled me, nothing owned me. I was just a girl sitting on a bench. Just a body. My mind was far gone. All i could experience was this feeling. It reminded me how i felt the last few nights before christmas, in France, when i was still a little girl. I remember walking in the streets, holding my father's hand, looking at people's faces while they were buying presents, and i knew something amazing was about to happen. I was fascinated. I remember the cold air on my face. I remember knowing things were going to be good, because everything felt right, right at that moment.

"She stood very still, because her first perception was not of sight, but of touch: the consciousness, not of a visual presence, but of a slap in the face...She knew that she could not move until her permitted her to...She knew it was the most beautiful face she would ever see, because it was the abstraction of strenght made visible. She felt a convulsion of anger, of protest, of resistance- and of pleasure. He stood looking up at her; it was not a glance, but an act of ownership... He looked up as if he expected her to be there, as if her knew she would be back. She saw the hint of a smile, more insulting than words. He sustained the insolence of looking straight at her, he would not move, he would not grant the concession of turning away- of acknowledging that he had no right too look at her in such manner. He had not merely taken that right, he was saying silently that she had given it to him.
'Why do you always stare at me?'
'For the same reason you've been staring at me.'"


-Ayn Rand

if i dance for hours...

maybe i'll forget?
i'll probably feel better.

if i smoke all day,
maybe i'll regret?
Could i ever feel dirtier?

way, way too silent

and everytime you leave...it's not alright.

your voice controls me. i swear the world stands still when i hear you sing.

but can i do it?- i don't know
but can i let this go? -no.
and if you're not here when i wake up, will i get through the day?
If you're gone for days and days.
don't let me be scared, no you just shouldn't.
i'll hide so well, you'll never find me again..

help me breathe.

when i'm lost...
reach for my hand
hurt me so i can feel
So i can feel alive again
warm me up
but don't touch me.
Dream you know the words to calm me down,
do you honestly believe you're exactly what i was trying to find?
I dare you to look into my eyes
when i'm losing control
losing control?
have i ever, ever, had any.

"Fuck this day and the inferior dirt that stands in our way. Fuck this city and the space between us. Fuck the sky and the earth but most of all, Fuck me for possibly ruining the last beautiful thing in my life." - my love.

1:50

2am-3am-4am
such lonely hours.
Too much time to think.


are we thinking the same thing right at this minute?
you tell me.
you told me.
say it again tonight.